I’ve been re-listening to ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck’ by Mark Manson.
I first listened to it on my first trip after leaving full time employment, to Peru. My strongest recollection from it the first time is around values; specifically, choosing ‘good’ values that are intrinsic (like ‘creativity’), rather than ‘bad’ values that are extrinsic (like ‘being liked’).
Upon this second listen, something else has stuck with me: how I feel is a choice that I’ve made, not how others make me feel
Mark Manson calls this ‘You are always choosing’, and it’s one of the five core values he talks about in the book.
What he means by ‘you are always choosing’ is not just making decisions and how that reflects our priorities, but we are always choosing what to give a fuck about – and thus choosing how we interpret and respond to situations.
Situation 1: The In-laws
I’ve noticed that I’m complaining about the in-laws. Specifically, I’ve been finding them passive-aggressive about us not having children yet, as well as their lack of enthusiasm for Phil’s new role / promotion in his company.
What Mark Manson reminded me of is that I am choosing to be annoyed, frustrated, flustered, bothered, giving a huge fuck about what the in laws think of our current state of reproduction. And when I step back, I need to ask myself: should I be replaying those pass-agg scenes in my head, feeling like I’m the one that those comments are directed towards despite the fact that it takes two to tango; should I be giving a huge fuck about this?
And quite simply, the answer is no, I shouldn’t give a fuck about it. It doesn’t do me any good. It’s them venting their desperation for grand kids, but they are not doing it out of spite and wanting to make me feel like shit (I don’t believe).
And, as The Minimalists say, often how we feel is a mirror reflected back at us. What I think this means is that, on some level, I’m giving a huge fuck because I (we) want to have children. It’s a big deal. It’s one of the main reasons I left my career. And not being able to magically conjure up a baby is frustrating for an impatient person like me.
So, I have decided to let this go. It’s hard, and I’m definitely not over it yet, but I am learning to catch myself every time I get annoyed by it.
Situation 2: Small interactions with Phil
I’ve found that I’m taking things personally a lot recently.
Two situations happened this weekend when Phil and I were in Houston. Both were small, inane interactions that led me to see red.
Both happened at restaurants, where I had ordered some food to share and Phil makes a remark about how he doesn’t like what I’ve picked.
That shouldn’t be an issue. We are allowed to have different preferences. Being a couple does not mean having the same taste in absolutely everything (which would be boring).
And yet, I get a surge of annoyance: why is he criticising my food choices? Does he think I’m incompetent at ordering? Why does he have to have an opinion on what food I order?
At first, I blamed him for the negativity this injects into our interactions. On one level, it comes from a fear that we have been living apart for so long that we’re used to doing everything our own way. When living a bachelor lifestyle, you don’t need to compromise on any detail.
However, he pointed out to me that he’s merely expressing a preference; if he can’t express what he likes or dislikes, then we are in a very unbalanced relationship.
What I need to realise is: it is not about you (me). And from someone who loves me, it definitely is not to put me down.
His dislike of saag paneer or black bean chicken is not about me, but about his own taste buds.
His surprise that I can run longer distances than him is not because he thinks that I should be slow, but that I have improved my fitness a lot this year.
His comment that I can get a job in Van Cleef and Arpels is not because he thinks I am only good for an entry level retail role, but because he knows how much I love jewellery.
It is not about me. And I get to choose how I react to every situation.
“Be still” is the phrase I use to remind myself about staying calm after reading ‘Stillness is the Key’.
Be still.
